Paul Marlow, a 36-year-old mental health attorney in Surrey, British Columbia, was at a turning point following the death of his father. “I saw I needed a change,” says Marlow. He wanted to let go of unhealthy habits and start over.
“I longed to move away from the old me, the depressed and anxious me,” he says. But when he tried to move forward, his friends held him back. While Marlow adopted a healthier lifestyle, his friends made a point of drinking and partying.
As Marlow struggled emotionally, his friends held out their hands less and less and he realized it was time to move on.
“There can be many reasons why friendship becomes unhealthy. But any friendship that consistently makes us feel disrespected, devalued, or disregarded should be reassessed, ”says Gina Handley Schmitt, LMHC, Seattle Area Psychotherapist and author of Friending: Creating Meaningful, Lasting Friendships for Adults.
Common Signs It’s time to move on
As you change and grow, you may find that old friendships no longer fit. They can drift apart naturally or suddenly find that you are in an unhealthy relationship.
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Here are some signs that it might be time to move on.
You are not a priority. You may find that your friend is making no effort to be with you. They may be difficult to reach or they may not seem interested. Sometimes there is a temporary reason, such as when your friend has just had a baby and is busier than before. But if you rarely feel like a priority, or if you feel like your boyfriend doesn’t think you are worth his or her time, your best bet is to move on.
They don’t connect on the same level. Friendships work best when both people want the same type of connection. When you want a deep personal connection but your friend can’t or won’t do the same thing, the friendship can stagnate and become unsatisfactory, says Schmitt.
You give more than you take. Sometimes one person needs more than the other. But if a friend is a constant taker and rarely a giver, it is not a balanced friendship. If you’re always there for them but they don’t do the same for you, this can be a sign to move on.
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Your friend is disrespectful or mean. Healthy friendships provide support and validation. If your boyfriend doesn’t respect your feelings, it’s an unhealthy relationship. Feeling anxious or negative in your friendship is a sign that it is best to end it.
Your friend is dishonest or withholding information. “Deep connections require trust,” says Schmitt. “And trust requires honesty.” If you cannot rely on your boyfriend to be open or telling the truth, your relationship will not flourish and can become a source of frustration.
You are downplaying your achievements. Some friendships are competitive. But if you hold back from spreading good news so as not to hurt your friend’s feelings, it is a sign of jealousy. Good friends want you to succeed and are happy for you when you do.
How to end it
You have a few options when it comes time to end a friendship.
Let it go. Some friendships dissolve on their own. This was the case with Marlow. “The end of our friendship happened slowly. I canceled dinner plans. They stopped asking me to join them. We’re just faded out over time, ”he says.
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If you try to make plans but your friend keeps failing, you may find that the friendship wears off if you stop trying.
Talk about it. It’s often best to have a conversation about why you’re ending things so that both people can feel respected and understand why it didn’t work out.
If you’ve had a fight, it might be tempting to leave it at that. But one last conversation can be a better choice even if it is difficult to talk about what happened or why the friendship has stopped working for you.
No matter how you end a friendship, try to respect the other person’s feelings, especially if your breakup is one-sided.
You can be respectful while being honest and firm, says Schmitt. Tell your friend why you are stepping down, but be careful with how you get the news. Be nice and mature, especially if your friend didn’t see it coming and feels hurt or confused by your decision.
Can you be friends again
“Not all breakups with friends are permanent,” says Schmitt. “Sometimes friends find each other again in another season of their lives.” As you grow, you can change, reconnect, and build a healthier relationship later in life.
“It is important that we continue to strive to find and maintain healthy friendships,” says Schmitt.
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