Ten years ago, when Cat Blake divorced her husband, their daughter’s upbringing went relatively smoothly. “We were co-parenting relatively well, with some hiccups along the way,” she says.
Things got worse several years later when she published an autobiography about her struggles with addiction.
“My ex-husband and new wife found out about the book and sued me for custody of my then 8-year-old daughter and defamation of character,” said Blake, who is now a divorce coach in Boston, MA. Legal fees weighed on her finances and she had to sell her house and file for bankruptcy.
Blake later realized that her ex-husband, who she says was a narcissist, didn’t even want time with her daughter anymore. “He just wanted to punish me,” she says.
What it’s like to be with a narcissist
“Bringing up someone with a full blown personality disorder is extremely challenging,” says Mark Ettensohn, PsyD, author of Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life. Narcissists have a highly unstable self-image, he says. They are often inflexible, defensive, and handle the situation in an unhealthy way.
If your parenting partner is narcissistic, they may ignore, push, or test your boundaries. Or they have parents with less structure, empathy, or respect than you’d like. They often get angry when you give them feedback or criticism. It can be difficult to compromise. Their negativity could wear you down.
How to recognize a narcissist
Narcissists have a strong sense of grandiosity and self-importance. That is, they think they are more important than others and have no empathy.
Other signs of narcissistic personality disorder include:
- Arrogant demeanor or behavior
- Taking advantage of others to get what they want
- To believe that they are unique or special
- Exaggerated achievements and talents
- Excessive need for admiration
- Feel or think envy of others, others envy them
- Lack of empathy
- Obsessed with fantasies of brilliance, strength, or success
- Sense of sophistication
What to do if your co-parent is a narcissist
If you are a shared parent with a narcissist, do the following:
Accept. If your parenting partner is a narcissist, they are unlikely to change. “You have to wrap your head around the fact that you have to raise someone you might not like,” says Blake.
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Set limits. Be clear and specific. Draw the line over what is okay and what is not. Don’t let them cross. Narcissists like control and will do anything to get it.
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Make an parenting plan. Make a plan for how to drop off and pick up children and how to handle activities, vacations, and discipline after school. Decide how and how often you talk. Write the plan, sign it, and stick to it.
Limit communication. Your parenting partner may be trying to get your attention through overcommunication. They can suddenly tell you about something that they need an immediate answer to. Try to only use email so you can catch your breath before replying.
stay calm. Try to stay calm if your partner is whipping you or making you angry. Avoid insults or finger pointing. “Use clear language, words without emotion, strong body language and voice,” says Blake.
Have perspective. Try not to take personal attacks to heart. Instead, realize that what they are saying is more about them than about you.
What not to do
Here are some things to avoid when co-parenting with a narcissist:
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Don’t argue. Narcissists make it hard to make an argument. They often talk in circles to confuse and overwhelm you. Keep your answers clear and short, without emotion. Do not explain yourself or give too much information. This is also known as the “Gray Rock Method”.
Do not be afraid of them. “You live on fear,” says Blake. “Narcissists are so easy to see what makes them tick. They just want attention and praise. “Acknowledge when you are doing something well. But stick to your limits.
Don’t try to control everything. “As long as you’re doing your job, try to let go of what the narcissist is doing in parenting a little,” says Blake. “Do your kids come back full and in one piece? That’s pretty good.”
Don’t use your child. Your partner can use your child to get what they want. They could have you spied on for private information. You might be tempted to do it too, but it is best not to.
How to protect children
“It can be difficult to protect children from a co-parent’s personality problems when they’re not there to see what happens,” says Ettensohn. Focus on what you can control.
Talk to your child. Help them understand their other parents’ behavior. Make it age appropriate. Teach them that their parents’ behavior relates to that parent, not to them.
Be careful what you say. Try not to say negative things about your parenting partner. “Your child can turn against you and they might feel obliged to choose sides,” says Ettensohn. “Be aware of nonverbal communication, talk to friends and family within earshot, and compare your child to your narcissist,” says Blake.
Look out for signs of abuse. Look for anything that crosses the line into physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.
Be a healthy parent. You can’t choose how your partner will raise your child, but you can make up for it with healthy parenting. Be a good role model. Train your child through rough spots. “The antidote to your partner’s narcissism is acceptance, warmth, realistic assessment, and persistence,” says Ettensohn.
Raising a narcissistic ex-husband wasn’t easy for Blake, but she’s keeping it in mind. “Children only need a high-functioning parent to grow into a thriving adult,” she says.
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