Although she did not yet know the term “toxic”, Rashawnda James knew that something was very wrong about her relationship with her mother when she was only 13 years old. “I noticed that in conversations at school they talked like their parents were around a lot,” she says.
James’ parents, a crack cocaine addict, weren’t. “There were times when I had to look for my mother because I didn’t know where she was,” says James. “I felt responsible for my mother. After I made this connection, I knew it was unhealthy. “
Common toxic properties
Signs that you may have a toxic parent include:
- You are self-centered. They don’t think about your needs or feelings.
- They are emotional loose cannons. They overreact or create drama.
- You overwrite. They share inappropriate information with you, such as details about their intimate life. They use you as their main source of emotional support.
- You’re looking for control. They could use debt and money to get you to do what they want.
- You are tough critical. Nothing you do is ever good enough. They don’t respect your good qualities or successes.
- You lack boundaries. They could show up at your home unsolicited or attack your life choices.
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James is now an Atlanta-based licensed therapist, author, and self-care professional and can name her mother’s toxic behavior. This includes manipulation and gas lighting, a technique that allows you to question your ability to tell what is true or what is really happening. “As a child, I couldn’t avoid my mother. I couldn’t set any limits, ”says James. “The lines were blurry. There was no filter. “
However, her mother managed to get James involved in positive activities. “That became my safe haven,” says James. She excelled in athletics. One organization offered free therapy when she was in 12th grade. “It literally changed my life,” she says. The same counselor became her manager years later when James decided to become a therapist.
Get rid of guilt
“As adults, we have choices that we didn’t have as kids, and we don’t always have to do what our parents want, ”said Sharon Martin, a licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, CA. She is the author of the CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and the Better Boundaries Workbook.
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If you were raised to respect your elders, obey your parents, and please them at all costs, boundary setting can seem alien. Martin urges her customers to question this attitude. “Remember that your parents are unable to love, accept, and appreciate that you are not your fault or deal with your shortcomings.
“For example, consider whether you think it is wrong to set boundaries, to be treated with respect, to put the needs of your or your immediate family above those of your parents, or to limit the time you spend with your parents.” , she says. “Would you tell a close friend that it is wrong to do these things in response to yelling, manipulation, lying, sharp criticism, smear campaigns, or threats?”
Don’t try to change it
A big “aha” moment for James was the realization that she couldn’t be the reason for her mother to quit drug use. “I became the golden child. I thought if I was fine it might stay clean. When I get my high school diploma … college … “And on and on.
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“I had to start my life and let go,” she says.
“It’s normal that you want to please your parents, no matter how old you are,” says Martin. “But be realistic about whether it is possible and what your efforts will cost you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and spiritually.”
“The most damaging thing you can do to yourself is think you can fix it,” James agrees. “When you know this, you don’t have to stay there and take what they give you. You can choose yourself. It sets you free when you don’t have to fix anything. “
Limits are key
Fifteen years later, James’ mother is clean. The two live 22 minutes apart and chat twice a day, despite being on a two-year hiatus. James stresses that while she decides to continue her relationship with her mother, you must do what is best for you.
“It took me 10 years to push the boundaries,” says James. “I say, ‘No, mom. I can not give you money. ‘”No mom, I can’t be this for you.” “I can’t go where these people make me uncomfortable, but you can come here.”
“Just because she’s my mother doesn’t have to outweigh mine,” she added.
It helps that her mother has become more confident over time and can sometimes get caught up in old patterns.
No need for explanation
Do you have short answers to questions about why you are not in touch with your parents, such as: B. “I don’t speak to my parents because they are emotionally abusive.” This can help you remember why you set limits, even when others aren’t getting them.
“If others judge or criticize your decision to limit contact with your parents or to set other limits, it is usually because they assume that you have emotionally healthy parents who are treating you with respect,” says Martin. “But you limit contact because your parents treat you badly. And your parents don’t get a free pass to abuse you just because they’re your parents. “
But you still don’t owe anyone a reason, adds Martin. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t want to talk about it.'”
Practice self-care
Children of toxic parents might not be used to taking care of themselves, says Martin. “Use a mantra like” Self-care is not selfish “or” My needs are important “or” I am an adult and have the right to make my own decisions “.”
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James plans a self-care activity like journaling or exercising after spending time with her mother. “I love to write diaries. It’s a great way to have an internal dialogue and share my thoughts. I don’t hold my thoughts in me and burden myself with them, ”she says. She also loves dance training to music from Miami since Florida is her home state.
Listening to gospel music is another way of keeping your feet on the ground. It helps me realize that my struggle isn’t just my burden, she says. “It is a good reminder that my mother is not my responsibility. God can do more than I could ever do for you. “
Set up a support system
“A support system is essential,” says Martin. She suggests support groups or individual therapy with someone working in narcissistic abuse, developmental trauma, or co-addiction.
To find a therapist, call your insurance company or go online and get a list of providers. If you don’t have insurance, affordable online options include Telehealth and BetterHelp.
Change your story
“I saw what life was from a young age and I made a commitment not to repeat this cycle,” says James. “I didn’t have the roadmap or the blueprint, but since grade 12 I’ve acquired the tools to live healthier and more positively.”
She raises her three children in this spirit. For example, she doesn’t overwrite like her own mother does. “I’m really trying to keep her innocence as much as possible,” she says. “I don’t burden my children with other people’s problems. I allow them to see my feelings because I want them to know a whole spectrum.
“I follow the principle that my limits of happiness are not in other places or things. I can be anywhere, I can have everything and still find joy. It’s one of my superpowers! “
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