Alcohol use disorder, sometimes called alcoholism, is a disease that tells you you don’t have a disease. One of the many unspoken rules is that you have to keep it hidden – from yourself and especially from family and friends.
But when you’re ready, there are two major reasons to expand the circle.
1. Secrets and shame keep you sick.
“Addiction thrives in isolation and recovery occurs in the community,” said Marvin Ventrell, CEO of the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers.
“With any substance use disorder, shame and secrecy are part of the disease, and we need to enforce that to be healthy,” said Ventrell, who is in long-term recovery.
“We have an illness and it is imperative to be able to speak to your friends and loved ones about it, just as you would with any other illness.”
2. You need and deserve support.
No matter what your recovery looks like, you need help. This includes guidance from professionals who understand the disease and support from loved ones who can contact you and appear for you.
“Sobriety says a lot about you,” says Tawny Lara, a sober sex and relationships writer who has been sober for more than 5 years. “They say you prioritize your mental and physical health. I wanted people in my life to repeat that. I have friends and family who are not sober, but I wanted them to understand what is going on in my life. “
It’s hard to be vulnerable
Alcohol use disorder is not a bug problem. It’s not about your morals or your character. But the stigma surrounding addiction says otherwise.
“The stigma is often what holds people in place,” says Todd Garlington, a senior therapist at the Greenhouse Treatment Center who is in long-term recovery. “The fear is that if I tell someone they won’t accept me. You will think I am a bad person. “
Hollywood and the media support the stigma, but real life is different.
“In movies, people hit rock bottom and live under a bridge. Then they sober up, ”says Lara. “That goes for some people, but not for all.
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“I’ve never seen my version of substance abuse disorder or alcohol use disorder portrayed, so I didn’t think I had a problem,” she says. “I still worked several jobs, had a roof over my head, paid my bills on time, and could go days or weeks without alcohol. But when I drank, I drank until I went black. Regular drinkers don’t go black I wish it was featured in film and television. “
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Part of the recovery process is sharing your secret. It’s scary to be vulnerable, but chances are everyone you tell is either facing the same problem or knows someone who has it.
“More than 25 million people in the US over the age of 12 have a substance use disorder,” says Garlington. “Realize that. Get on it. Process it and get the help you need. The greatest part is realizing that you are not alone.”
Actions and reactions
Lara’s father is recovering so she knew he would support him. She was more concerned about telling her friends.
“I was a bartender and party girl for a long time, and my friends were in that scene too,” she says. “When I told my bartender friends that I wouldn’t drink this week, they’d say, ‘You’re fine. You’re in your early twenties. ‘I wondered how to hang out with my friends, make new friends, and date. So much has been shaped by alcohol in my life that it was completely overwhelming to do something without alcohol. “
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When she started talking about her drinking problem, Lara got a mixture of reactions.
“I learned who my friends are and who my drinking buddies are,” she says. “I got sober in a very atypical way. I started a blog and that was my responsibility.
“My friends supported me because it was a writing project, but a friend – we had tattoos for ‘best friends’ – accused me of lying and getting everything for attention. She later apologized and said it was difficult, mine to process messages because if I had a problem, she might have a problem too. “
Ask for assistance or share information
Before sharing with anyone, ask yourself the following: What do I need?
Maybe you need to tell a friend or loved one what’s wrong with you, and that’s enough. You may be asking for assistance. If so, be as specific as you can:
- Can you go to a meeting with me
- Can you take me for treatment?
- If I need to detox, can you make sure I have clothes and basic needs?
- Can you send me cards or letters while I’m on the detox?
- When we go out, can you please not drink around me?
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“Often it is really just” being there “,” says Lara. ‘Hey, I’m going to tell my mom about my drinking problem at 1pm today. Can you watch when i have to talk ‘Or’ I have a hard time. Can you randomly drop me a fun GIF this week? ‘”
In the early days of her recovery, Lara did a lot of research: reading memoirs, reviewing stories online, and searching for #sober on social media to see how other people told their families.
“There are really wonderful free resources out there,” she says.
Bonus: The more people you tell, the more accountable you create. “The more people around me that I am struggling with, the sooner I can stay on course,” says Garlington.
There are no magic words
There is no right or perfect way to share your drinking problem with a friend or family member. The fact that you are telling anyone at all is a step in the right direction.
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“Just be real and tell people what you’re going through,” says Lara. “You don’t have to tell them why, just that you’ve decided to stop drinking. That can build a bridge and lead a conversation. Most of all, it removes the shame and stigma of the secret we’ve been keeping to ourselves for so long. “
Your loved ones may not know what to say or they may have questions. To help them learn more, Lara suggests sharing some of the resources you have used. But don’t overdo it. Your focus should be on your own recovery.
The goal is to be able to safely share and not feel disconnected while you work on sobering up.
“All you have to say is, ‘I have a problem,'” says Ventrell. “When you do that, they immediately feel a little better because they are not so alone and scared.”
Set healthy expectations
Every path from addiction to sobriety is unique. The only thing you can control when telling your friends and family about your drinking is the words you say. You cannot control how someone else feels or reacts.
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“In a perfect world, we would receive complete and total love and acceptance through these conversations. The truth is, it can go well or bad. It depends on the individual. “Says Garlington.
“When things go bad, don’t give others power over you. You control your destiny. Use positive self-talk: ‘I can do this.’ ”
Garlington has been there more than once.
“I was sober for 20 years and then fell behind,” says Garlington. “I felt so much guilty when I called my father to say I had to go back for treatment. But he said, “Son, I’m glad you’re getting the help you need,” and that erased my shame and guilt. Our illness can drive us to very dark places. Breaking that is huge. “
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