Coming out is when you decide to tell others about your gender or sexual orientation. We live in what is called a heteronormative society, which means that people usually assume that you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth (cisgender) and that you are attracted to members of the opposite sex (heterosexual). But that’s not always the case and it’s just one of many reasons LGBTQ people choose to come out.
Why come out
Coming out can be difficult to manage on your own, regardless of whether you are still dealing with your gender identity or sexual orientation or have fully accepted them. But many LGBTQ people come to a point where they need to talk about it or find support.
There are many reasons to come out. You could do it because you:
- I don’t want people to blaspheme you
- Do you want to start dating and want family members and friends to know
- Do you want to be accepted for who you are?
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It can offer a variety of benefits. It can help you build your self-esteem because you can live your life on your own terms. Feeling who you really are can also relieve stress.
Coming out means claiming to be your authentic self, says Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, MD, a psychiatry professor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.
We often don’t think about identity and how it affects our physical and mental health, says Mary Weber, clinical lecturer in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Southern California’s Keck School of Medicine, Los Angeles. “We need spaces in which we can simply appear and be.”
How do you know when to get out?
Coming out is a personal decision that is specific to you. That means you may encounter different obstacles than others that come out. You are the only person who knows when or if you will feel ready and comfortable to do it.
“It’s not a race,” says Hall-Flavin. “Also understand that sexuality is not binary and can be fluid. Acknowledge that the feelings you have are yours. Despite social pressure, you have time and it is your right to share what you choose with others. “
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If you’re thinking of getting out:
- Consider privacy. While many friends and family members respect your privacy and keep this new information to themselves, there is always a risk that they will tell people you don’t want to know. If you tell your therapist or counselor, they must keep this information to themselves unless they think you may harm yourself or others. Then they have to report it.
- Make sure you have a support system. It can be helpful to speak to a therapist or an anonymous helpline if you cannot speak freely about your gender or sexual orientation. These resources can help you plan your coming out or deal with reactions you didn’t expect when you come out.
- Think of all the options. For example, if you do not live alone and there is a possibility that you will be thrown out of the house or physically injured, it might be safer to wait.
- Trust yourself. Coming out is a personal process so you don’t feel like you have to do it due to certain situations or people.
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Lauren Aadland-Halling, a vlogger who creates content on YouTube’s This Colorful World channel, finds it easier to come out in a relationship. Born in California, she now lives with her wife on a farm in Småland, Sweden.
“Now that I’m married, I usually start talking to ‘my wife’ in the first few minutes after meeting a new person,” she says.
It’s okay not to come out
There are also reasons why you choose not to show up. You could:
- Feeling gender and sexual orientation too personal
- Fear of discrimination, bullying, harassment, or violence
- See no reason to discuss these issues
- Still finding out your gender or sexual orientation
Coming out has consequences, says Hall-Flavin. Some may be positive; others may not. “It differs a lot from family to family and from society to society. Make a list of advantages and disadvantages based on your circumstances.
How you do that?
There are many ways you can get out. You could:
- Tell the person on the phone
- Send an email or SMS
- Tell them personally, face to face
- Write a letter
You should also think about what you are going to say. Ask your LGBTQ friends to share their coming-out stories if they’re ok with it, to give you ideas on how to deal with it yourself.
“One thing we encourage is to test the water for everyone you come to,” says Janet Duke, the founder and chairman of the Strong Family Alliance, a website designed to help families when a loved one comes out. “Talk about current LGBTQ events, characters in films and books, or an LGBTQ friend and see what reactions you get. It can help you to judge attitudes. “
Another good rule of thumb is to be positive and optimistic when you come out. This can help set the tone for the conversation. Do not come out if you are angry or arguing with someone. It shouldn’t be an act of revenge.
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“I usually proceed strategically when it comes to the conversation,” says Weber. “Because it can be very emotional, it can be very triggering and very scary when you are really concerned that people are not acknowledging or supporting.”
Aydian Dowling, transgender activist, influencer and coach, says what you say might depend on who you come out with.
“If there is someone I care about, I’ll have an intimate conversation with them,” he says. “If it’s just someone I pass on the street, I’ll say it proudly without stuttering. … When I come out with a child, I use a language that I think suits them best. “
Who can you tell
You can come out to anyone. Most people don’t usually come out just once. You may decide to come out in front of other people, such as your family and, at another time, your friends and colleagues.
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Family and friends: Many LGBTQ people choose to come out with their friends or family. If you want to start slowly, the first thing you should do is contact a trusted friend. With your family, try to find allies to talk to. They could be siblings or cousins with whom you get on well.
Employee: You can get out at work too. Check beforehand that your employer has a written anti-discrimination policy that covers sexual orientation and gender. You can search for an LGBTQ employee resource group in your workplace and check out the general atmosphere. For example, do people make offensive jokes or comments?
Start the conversation by talking about LGBTQ-related news, TV shows, or movies. Or bring a date or a partner to company events. They might even meet you at work one day.
What to expect when you get out
The people you come out with will have a range of emotions and reactions. You may have a lot of questions or you may not know what to say. You might be surprised, worried, or shocked. Or maybe they already suspected it.
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Dowling says the process can be nerve-wracking. “They just don’t know how people are going to react.” Someone might be good to your face but slowly stop talking to you. Months go by and now you don’t hear from them or they just avoid you, he says.
“Sometimes people think, ‘Well, if my parents don’t approve me … if they reject me, I can’t live a healthy, happy life,'” says Weber. “Sometimes families and those close to us are not so good with their own families. There may be other people who would really agree, and it is important for us to keep our minds open to these people so that we don’t get lost and feel hopeless. “
While coming out is personal and may not be the right choice for every LGBTQ person, Aadland-Halling says it can affect the community around you as well.
“No doubt you are coming out for yourself,” she says. “But a lot of people who are homophobic or have negative stereotypes about us do so because they have very limited experiences with queer people. Coming out could completely change someone’s view of the LGBTQ community, and that’s a really powerful thing. “
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