When John Hubbard left Alabama in 2002 to move back in with his mother in Beaufort, SC, he couldn’t foresee how much his life would change. The two had a good relationship and Hubbard was happy to be back in his hometown.
But when his mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 2 years later and became the primary caregiver, Hubbard had to give up his freedom, previous career, and personal schedule. He even had to cancel his own wedding in another state.
Still, he wouldn’t do anything differently. “It wasn’t easy, I promise you,” he says. “You have to put your life on hold.” Hubbard stopped drinking and smoking during this period, which lasted 13 years. “You have to put the toys away. You have to grow up. I actually grew up. “
Get real about your roles
Before you take such a big step, think carefully and honestly about family dynamics, advises Christina Irving, a licensed clinical social worker who serves as the customer service director for the Family Caregiver Alliance at the National Center on Caregiving in San Francisco. “If you had a story as a child that was characterized by really challenging communication or abuse, you may not want to slip into the role of a caregiver during these times. It can be done, but it presents a whole host of other emotional challenges to deal with. “
You also need to think about your own wellbeing. For example, if you have your own health problems, mental health problems, or drug problems, then you need to consider whether the added stress of caring is worth it. … Can I help support that too? [other] Person? ”Says Irving.
Sometimes the things we don’t like about our parents or that annoy us the most are behaviors and attitudes that they always had, notes Steven Zarit, PhD, professor and director of human development and genealogy at Penn State University University Park, PA. “Now that they are old, they won’t become the parents we could always have dreamed of. You won’t change. We have to be able to accept them for who they are. “
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Think about space
This might be the first time you need to think about practical things when it comes to your parents. Who pays the costs? Will each person have their own area in the house? Who cooks and cleans? “If you can agree on these questions, this is a start to getting a common household up and running,” says Irving.
Before you move, assess the available living space. “Is the house really safe and accessible, considering what someone expects based on their health? Do you have space that allows privacy? “
Think about your own needs too. If you don’t have an extra bedroom to work in, for example, can you turn the dining room into a bedroom? What other needs do you have? Can you offer your parents additional support?
Hubbard says, although there wasn’t much room in his mother’s house, “We did our best. She had two rooms to go into. She sat on her sofa and watched TV until I got home from work. That’s all we can do “
Have backup
Make sure you get breaks when grooming comes into play. Siblings or other relatives and friends of the family can be helpful, says Zarit. Work out a schedule. Let others do specific tasks, such as B. Take your parents with you to dinner once a week.
Hubbard’s two sisters and brother live nearby. Although Hubbard had homework, the four shared the support. For example, his two sisters took care of the “girls’ things” in their mother’s care, such as bathing and grooming.
What helped Hubbard during the most difficult times were his friendships. “Another thing that was a saving grace was getting to our 30th high school meeting,” he says. Planning and being able to hang out with friends he grew up with were key to keeping his mood up.
Ask the community for support
If you don’t have siblings or relatives to help, you still need to bring support into your home, says Zarit. “This can help you when you can’t leave a parent alone.” He suggests that you contact agencies that offer home care or adult daytime programs that provide activities and social time for the elderly.
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There might be a catch. “The hurdle you have to overcome, however, is for your parents to agree to receive help,” says Zarit. “Adult day programs that I have worked with often provide opportunities to help people feel comfortable and welcome in the program.”
Also, if things get harder to handle at home, you should also seek help from a psychologist who can see you and your parents together. “A neutral person can lower the temperature and eliminate the differences,” says Zarit. “A professional can help you decide whether it makes sense to continue living together or whether your parents will have to live elsewhere.”
Ready for change
Living with your parents may not be the complete or ultimate solution, Irving notes.
“I couldn’t watch her until the last month or so,” says Hubbard. “It was where she was going and there was nothing more I could do. She moved in with one of my sisters. “
Despite the extreme difficulties at times, “it was the best,” he says. “I got to know my mother again. We just had so many conversations. We probably would never have had these conversations. “
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SWELL:
John Hubbard, Beaufort, SC.
Steven Zarit, PhD, Distinguished Professor Emeritus, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Penn State University, University Park, PA.
Christina Irving, Licensed Clinical Social Worker; Director of Customer Service, Family Caregiver Alliance, National Center for Care, San Francisco.
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