At first, you might think that your text message just didn’t go through. Or maybe they just missed it. No big deal. Then another text remains unanswered. You tried to call and were sent to voicemail without being called back. At the same time, they may still be posting on social media, or you may hear through the grapevine that they are chatting with someone else. When faced with a new diagnosis or ulcerative colitis (UC) flare up, losing someone who you thought was there for you can be especially difficult. You may be wondering if your UC might have something to do with it.
“It hurts the most when you’ve set patterns,” says Leah LeFebvre, PHD, assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Alabama who studies ghosting and other aspects of romantic relationships. “If you are used to texting this person all day, you will feel this gap in a different way.”
“Ghosting” is a popular way to end relationships, especially among young adults, says LeFebvre. The separation strategy is usually defined as the one-sided end of all communications. Generally, it comes with little to no warning.
“I usually think ghosting is one-sided,” says Dr. Tara J. Collins, Associate Professor of Psychology at Winthrop University in South Carolina. “Usually one person makes the decision to stop communication. It could be temporary or permanent. “
Collins says that while the term may be relatively new, it cannot be used to create ghosting or to separate someone by avoidance or ignoring. She explains that ghosting combines age-old breakup strategies like avoiding the other person and withdrawing from the relationship.
“We live in an environment where there are so many different ways to communicate digitally with one another,” she says. “That is the only new aspect. They use technology to send the message about your desire to end the relationship or not. “
Why people mind
According to LeFebvre, ghosting is a sign that your partner, or maybe a friend, is no longer interested. Occasionally, one partner may not feel they need to justify ending the relationship. Ghosting is more likely if you feel like the relationship wasn’t a particularly intimate one at first.
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In other cases, a person may be ghosted because they don’t believe the relationship is going in a safe direction or because they fear the other person’s reaction. If you’ve been spooky it may be tempting to believe that another partner is involved, and according to LeFebvre, it is possible that it is true.
There’s no data to suggest that ghosting is more likely in a health condition like UC. Collins says her research suggests that more often than not, ghosting is about the relationship, not you. This may reflect the immaturity of the person performing the ghosting. But it’s more likely to happen in casual relationships.
“In situations like this, it can be awkward to have a long conversation,” says Collins.
Ghosting isn’t always the worst that can happen. “It’s funny because when I first heard about ghosting there was a lot of rhetoric about this being a really terrible way to end a relationship. The more I got into it, the more nuanced it felt. “
How to deal with a ghost
It can help you realize that this loss isn’t necessarily a reflection of you or your UC. It has essentially become a normal part of dating. LeFebvre’s studies of ghosting show that many people who say they are ghosting have ghosted someone else too. She says if you look at it as something that’s a normal part of life, the loss can be easier to process.
“Not everyone will be interested in you,” says LeFebvre, “and that’s fine.”
In general, when you’re spooky, it’s best to keep going. Maybe you can send a text or two, but when there is no answer it usually doesn’t help reaching back several times. LeFebvre says this will likely just cause more pain. Perhaps you could get in touch first if you just wanted to make sure that the other person really made you ghostly – and doesn’t believe you made them ghostly.
“If you do [reach out] and they still don’t respond, take that as a clear signal, “says Collins.
It is possible that your partner will reappear at a later date. Sometimes people use a more transient form of ghosting to build relationships in and out, Collins adds. If that’s the case, she says, “You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want.”
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Can you prevent ghosting?
Since ghosting has become normal in some circles and is at least sometimes accepted, there is no foolproof way to avoid it. If this is a concern of yours, Collins suggests that you talk to your partner or boyfriend about what you are getting out of the relationship early on. This can help you feel closer, which will reduce the chance of ghosting. It will also help you and your partner learn on the same page what to expect from the relationship and how to end it when that time comes.
Sarah Lemansky found out she had UC in high school. At the age of 24, she recently started dating again. Your strategy is to be up front on UC from the start. She says she has heard many stories about people waiting to share their diagnosis for up to about a month in a relationship. Often, she says, information is not well received and is never the same again.
“I’m open from the start that I have problems with the poop,” says Lemansky. “If you can’t handle it, ‘bye.'”
Lemansky’s confidence to stand up for herself and others is strengthened by a strong community of women who share similar experiences with UC or Crohn’s disease in a group called Girls with Guts. She also relies on her family and a strong relationship with herself that she cultivates through creativity and art.
“You have to make room for the comfort of others,” says Lemansky. “When someone has a problem [with your UC]You can’t make her feel good. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. “
WebMD function
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SWELL:
Leah LeFebvre, Assistant Professor of Communication Studies, University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, AL.
Tara J. Collins, Associate Professor of Psychology, Winthrop University, Rock Hill, SC.
Sarah Lemansky, patient, Franklin, MA.
Imagination, Insight and Personality: Awareness in Theory, Research and Clinical Practice: “Ghosting in Romantic Relationships of Aspiring Adults: The Strategy of Disappearance of Digital Resolution.”
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