If you have erectile dysfunction (ED), your sex life will likely be different than it was before. This can be frustrating or disappointing for you and your partner. But when you’re open-minded, you can find exciting new ways to have intimacy with one another.
“Often times, people get the idea of what’s socialized in the media: sex means you have an erection, that intercourse penetrates and that it ends in an orgasm. Sex is much more extensive, ”says Dr. Tameca Harris-Jackson, certified sex educator in Winter Park, FL.
Start with a review
Erectile dysfunction means that you cannot get an erection all the time, or long enough, or long enough to have penetrative sex. But it is still possible for you to orgasm and ejaculate without an erection.
Talk to your doctor first. You need to find out what is causing your ED. Health problems like heart disease and type 2 diabetes could be the cause. So could certain mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. Some medications, including blood pressure medications and antidepressants, can also cause ED.
Once you rule out a health condition, you and your partner can find out what your new sex life will be like.
Pay attention to each other’s feelings
Knowing the cause of your ED can ease your partner’s anxiety, says Madelyn Esposito-Smith, a certified sex therapist and psychiatrist at the University of Wisconsin Health at Madison. “One of the first things I recommend to the men I work with is just to communicate with their partner that this is not a personal matter. This is not something they are doing wrong. “
Eric Garrison agrees. He is the chairman of the certification division of the American Association of Sexuality Educators and a certified sex counselor in Tidewater, VA. “When you can become the expert on your own sexual health and pleasure and share this with others, it really helps with the entertainment,” he says.
Talking openly with your partner can be beneficial to your relationship. But it could also make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, says Kristen Lilla, a certified sex therapist and licensed clinical social worker in Omaha, NE. It’s important that your partner try not to judge you, she says. If all they want is sex with an erection, you both could benefit from working with a sex therapist who can help both of you broaden your horizons.
Find out what else you like
Talk to each other about what turns you on and what you enjoy, even if you’ve been together for years.
“Really take the time to find out: what do you like? What am I doing that feels good to you beyond the penis and vagina or penis and anus? “Harris-Jackson says.
If you’re still getting an erection at times, let your partner know what feels good when you have one – and what feels good when you don’t, Garrison says. “It’s easy to say, ‘When I have an erection, I love this, this and that. During times when I don’t have an erection, I love licking my ear, rubbing my elbow, massaging my left toe … ‘”
An intimacy building exercise called sensitive focus can help you and your partner get a better idea of where and how you like to be touched. In therapy sessions, Lilla lets a couple try the exercise fully clothed and touch each other from the neck. “It’s a really intimate experience, but not necessarily sexually focused, and for some people it’s relaxing and connecting.”
You and your partner can practice sensitive focus with a therapist guiding you, or you can try at home, Harris-Jackson says. “The goal is to learn to explore each other’s bodies. Take the time to just caress, kiss and verbalize with each other what it feels like, with no penetration, no oral sex. So there is no pressure for someone to have an erection. “
Optimize your foreplay skills
Just start if you prefer: you can revive the intimacy by holding hands, making out, or cuddling naked.
Or maybe you and your partner are ready for more adventurous options like oral sex, mutual masturbation, or sex toys.
If you’re looking to explore sex toys (like a vibrator or dildo) but aren’t sure if you go to a store that sells them, do some browsing online with your partner, Lilla says. It’s important to shop together, she says, “rather than feeling like it’s one person’s job or that one person is putting that expectation on the other.”
If your partner wants to try a sex toy and you don’t, suggest an alternative, she says. You could say something like, “Well, I’m not comfortable with a sex toy, but maybe we could try naked cuddling, or maybe we could take a bath together.”
Sex without an erection
It is possible. “Sometimes it’s referred to as the ‘stuffing’ method, which involves sticking a flaccid penis in,” says Lilla. “It’ll probably get easier with a vaginal canal than with an anus.”
Try not to think about how sex used to feel and make sure it’s comfortable for both partners, Harris-Jackson says.
Maintain a practical, positive attitude
Discover how you can pamper each other in new ways. It helps “eliminate the purposeful or purposeful idea that” we need to have penetrative sex that leads to orgasm, “says Harris-Jackson.
Instead, focus on how you enjoy moderation, not performance, says Esposito-Smith.
Or as Garrison puts it, “How do we optimize sex rather than how do we maximize it? … I think if more people could understand this in their minds, sex would be so much more enjoyable for everyone, whether or not they have an erection. “
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