It takes a lot of work to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse or partner. This can be even more of a challenge when you have a child with ADHD.
“Any time you have a child with a disease like ADHD that affects their ability to socialize, follow rules, learn, and listen, it affects your marriage,” says psychotherapist Jenn Berman Los Angeles, PhD.
Your partnership is one of the most important tools you can use to help your child grow and thrive. Therefore it needs and deserves attention. As you work together, you’ll find ways to focus on your child and each other, says Berman.
Patience is important
“I often see two parents who are on different sides when it comes to whether their child has ADHD at all or whether they are okay with how it should be treated,” says Dr. Mark Wolraich, Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center.
It can take some time to complete the diagnosis. If either of you gets there first, give your partner some time. You may even need to get a second opinion. When you’re on the same page about diagnosis, work as a team to determine your treatment plans.
What you can do as a team
Terry Dickson, MD, director of the Behavioral Medicine Clinic in northwest Michigan, has ADHD. His two children too. His wife doesn’t.
Having a child with the disorder “will affect your marriage, and you both need to work equally hard to make it work,” he says.
Create structure and routine. This is good for your child and allows you to gain time for you and your partner to bond.
Establish rules for the house. “Draw up clear house rules with your partner and agree on these,” says Wolraich. When you’re on the same page about how to raise your children with and without ADHD, you’re much less likely to argue about parenting approaches.
Talk about your relationship. “Parents with a child with ADHD tend to put the child’s needs first, which is understandable,” says Berman. “But also spend time on the needs of the relationship and learn what those needs are through strong communication.”
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Listen to each other. When your partner is speaking, don’t think about your answer – really hear what he is saying. This will help you deal with any conflict, whether it is your child’s condition or something else.
Share the burden. Share your parenting responsibilities. This can make life easier for both of you and reduce the chances of conflict and resentment in your relationship.
Be adaptable. You need to learn to live with your child’s diagnosis of ADHD and how to deal with it in a way that is right for your child and your partner.
Prioritize “us” time. It is very important that you and your partner have a good time together in order to maintain your relationship, says Berman. Do this regularly – away from the children, just the two of you.
Raising a child with ADHD isn’t easy, but some couples find it actually brings them closer. So work together to raise a happy, healthy child and keep your relationship going.
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