Parent-child relationships change as you reach your own adulthood, and your roles can shift. But what if your parents get more difficult or seem irrational as you get older? How can you remain patient and respectful while maintaining your own peace of mind?
Draw clear boundaries
Corrine Ptacek of Roselle, IL lives about 40 minutes from her parents. Her father has Alzheimer’s disease and is being cared for by the VA. Dealing with her troubled mother makes it worse for Ptacek, the eldest of three adult daughters.
“I have delegated my role of designated health care provider for my father to my sister,” she says, adding that her mother does not endorse care decisions or share paperwork. “[My mother] I want us to attend doctor appointments but not work with our schedules and not work with us to help her with daily chores. “All three sisters work full-time in demanding jobs and have their own families.
When her mother fell, she refused home physiotherapy and insisted that Ptacek’s father, who was already suffering from dementia, drive her to appointments. This caused a lot of fear and concern, says Ptacek.
“Parents can make demands on you that you are unwilling or unable to meet,” says Dr. Steven Zarit, professor and director of human development and genealogy at Penn State University in University Park, PA. “It could be how often you visit them or help them with their daily activities, or whether you move in with you. And as you probably already know, just because you gave in to a certain topic doesn’t make a demanding parent less demanding. “
Zarit suggests taking a quiet moment to think about what you can and cannot do. “Make a list and be very specific,” he says. “You could discuss the list with a spouse or sibling. Make the list your guideline. Do the things you are ready to do and draw the line about the things you will not do. “
Also, resist the urge to argue. “You don’t have to give a reason or try to win an argument,” says Zarit. “Just stick to your decision not to provide this assistance and end the call.”
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If you’ve tried this approach but still feeling distressed, or if your parents are shrinking at the limits, it’s time to bring in a professional. Zarit suggests finding a psychologist, social worker, or other geriatric mental health specialist with expertise in the field.
“It can be difficult to find, but something is worth looking for. They can assess the situation and help you plan a course of action, including setting boundaries. ”
Know what you cannot control
“I think one of the biggest challenges for caregivers and situations is figuring out what they can and can’t control,” says Christina Irving, a licensed clinical social worker. “Even if there is dementia, we cannot force people to do certain things that they are supposed to do.”
For example, you may want your parents to eat better, use a stick, or be cared for at home. But they say no. “Ultimately, they still have the right to make their choices even if we don’t like their choices,” said Irving, director of customer service for the Family Caregiver Alliance at the National Center for Care in San Francisco.
“That’s what’s difficult: being an adult when your parents need it [help]and not fall back on the role of children, ”says Ptacek. Another big problem is her mother’s expectations of her care. “My mother took care of her mother and [my grandmother] lived with us, ”she says. “Mama thinks we owe her the same attention that she paid to her mother. That doesn’t happen to any of us. “
Fear and dread of what’s going to happen, as well as feelings of guilt, can also come into play, says Irving. Individual counseling can be vital for family caregivers. “You deal with your whole story. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s not that good. “Regardless of your efforts, it is important to understand that you cannot control everything.
Find the “why” in an argument
It can be helpful to think about reasons your parents might be arguing with you, says Zarit. “One thing is their own anger and fear of needing help. Nobody likes to feel addicted. … Remember, too, that you are their child. They may not want to take advice from you, no matter how rational it seems to you. “
Take a breather to end the conflict. Zarit recommends mindfulness training to reduce stress and stay calm. The practice is rooted in Buddhism, but no longer just religious. It teaches you to stay in the present and focus on your breath. A geriatric mental health specialist can also help you find other ways to keep the peace.
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Ask for help
Every state in the US has funding through the National Family Care Support System that you can fall back on, says Irving. They can help you find local resources to connect with help.
Even if you are not a “support group”, they can help you learn more about certain diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s.
“Another thing a psychiatrist can do is help you understand some of the reasons why your parents behaved,” says Zarit. “The first thought many people have is that difficult behavior is due to dementia, but it can also be the result of a mental health problem or their anxiety and depression about the difficulties they have in coping with everyday life. Knowing the likely cause can lead to treatment that will help. “
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SWELL:
Corrine Ptacek, Roselle, IL.
Steven Zarit, PhD, Distinguished Professor Emeritus of Human Development and Family Studies, Penn State University, University Park, PA.
Christina Irving, Licensed Clinical Social Worker; Director of Customer Service, Family Caregiver Alliance, National Center for Care, San Francisco.
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