People who live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have difficulty regulating their emotions, which can be very intense, and dealing with stress. This can lead to them hitting the people in their life. As a result, they often have tumultuous relationships that are just as difficult for the other people within them as BPD is for the person living with it. If you live with someone who has BPD, this is not news to you, but you may be at a loss as to what to do about it.
Daniel S. Lobel, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in helping the loved ones of people with BPD, offers advice on how you can help yourself, your partner, and your relationship move to a healthier place.
Learn more about borderline personality disorder
Living with borderline personality disorder – or living with someone who has it – can be isolating. People with BPD and the people who live with them often feel completely alone. Education is vital, especially when it comes to the behavior that comes with the condition.
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People with BPD tend to hit and attack the person who doesn’t, Lobel says. “People who are with people with BPD end up feeling bad about themselves.”
Learning how BPD causes this helps people who don’t have understand that they aren’t. To learn more and find support about borderline personality disorders, Lobel suggests these websites:
Take care of yourself first
Before doing anything else, “in order to make progress in the relationship, you must stop the person from harming you,” says Lobel. Trying to help them when you are treated badly – being yelled at, living with passive aggressive behavior – is unsafe for you and likely will not help your partner.
Instead, he says, the first step is to set a limit on how well you feel. He suggests telling your partner, “I can’t be with you if I’m not okay, and for me to be okay I need to keep you from hurting me.”
If your partner says they can’t stop, they will likely need professional help before you can move forward. The goal in this step, says Lobel, is to let your partner know, “You have to stop abusing me or there is nowhere else we can go.”
Set and stay boundaries
“People with BPD try to get other people to do for them what they should do for themselves,” says Lobel. And often they succeed because the other person just wants to stop screaming, so they give in.
Instead, tell your partner, “I’m not going to partake in unhealthy things.” That could mean insisting that they don’t use drugs or alcohol around the house, or not participate in doing so. It could mean leaving if your partner yells at you or belittles you.
Also enforce emotional boundaries
People with borderline personality disorder often instill their feelings in those around them.
“They think,” If I’m angry, you have to be angry too “in order to create a circumstance that makes the other person angry,” says Lobel.
If you can spot these trends it will go a long way in ending this codependent cycle.
Lobel suggests telling your partner, “You are angry. I understand. I don’t have to be angry to understand that you’re angry. We can talk about your anger, but you cannot yell at me or be abusive. “
If they can’t stop the behavior, you can tell them, “You have to do this on your own.”
Replace an unhealthy connection with a healthy connection
Fighting or defending yourself against a partner who treats you badly will affect your interest and ability to do pleasant things with them. That makes it harder to connect.
Lobel says that a change like leaving when they treat you badly frees up time and emotional space for positive interactions like watching a movie or going for a walk together. These are more positive ways of showing love.
Be consistent
“Consistency is so important,” says Lobel, “because people with BPD have test limits. When you set a limit, they may see how to move or break into the limit. “If the pattern between you was to let boundaries stretch or break over a long period of time, it doesn’t change overnight.
“You can’t just change the limit one day and expect it to be followed,” he says. “In the short term, they’ll be testing it more.” That means things are likely to get worse before they get better.
“But if you can overcome this part and if you are very consistent,” says Lobel, “you will start to accept your limits.” You won’t stop testing your limits, but less and less will you.
Support your partner’s treatment
There is no drug that specifically treats borderline personality disorder. However, there are therapies like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) which is the treatment. “Trying to get them involved in a DBT program is very helpful,” says Lobel, because it teaches people with BPD to respond and interact more healthily. You want to find a therapist who has experience working with DBT and with people with borderline personality disorder.
Let your loved ones know that DBT can help anyone, not just people with BPD, because it “helps people communicate and increase their tolerance for stress”.
Give credit as they make progress. “Compliments and comment on any positive changes and behaviors you notice,” says Lobel.
Know when to protect yourself
“The ultimate limit in a relationship with someone who has BPD is telling them, ‘I just can’t stay,” says Lobel. How do you know when it’s time to draw that line? Here are a few things to watch out for.
- Physical violence. Nobody should stay in a relationship where physical violence continues, says Lobel. “Someone will be injured, the police will be involved, nothing good can come of that.”
- Too many limits. When there are so many topics or types of interactions to avoid in order to keep your partner from whipping themselves, you have removed most of the sources of potential communication, intimacy, and connection.
- Your partner is not ready to make changes. “If the person insists,” There’s nothing wrong with me, it’s all you, “that’s a red flag and you probably need to pack your bags,” says Lobel.
- Your mood is consistently bad. “Do you walk around miserably all the time?” Asks Lobel. “If you feel like shit about this relationship all day, you have to go every day.”
Know when to protect your partner
A symptom of BPD is self-harm such as cutting or suicidal gestures such as overdose. If you see your partner hurting themselves, call 911.
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