More than 780,000 marriages will end in the United States this year. Some will leave their marriage because they are tired of arguing with a partner who is no longer eye to eye with them. Others, like Sarah Cave, have been burned by infidelity.
“My now ex-husband had an affair. He lived in the basement for about 18 months trying to make things better for the kids,” she says. “And we got to a place where I said, ‘I’m ready for you to move out.'”
That was 11 years ago. During that time, Cave says, she tried almost every dating app – eharmony, Match.com, Zoosk, OurTime. “I was able to find people willing to connect with me, but not someone who clicked.”
Marked by my divorce and tired of the dating site carousel: “My self-esteem was pretty ruined,” she says.
Open yourself to love again
To find love again, you have to believe not only that someone is out there for you, but that you are worthy of love, says Richard Horowitz, who is both a relationship coach and a divorce survivor. “For some people it takes longer to get to this place.”
After getting hurt, you may have doubts about your ability to trust someone again. “We think where did we go wrong in the past? How did we not see the signs?” says Christie Kederian, a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach based in Los Angeles. “That sometimes keeps us from really getting to know people.”
Before you can get to know someone, you need to learn more about yourself and your desires. “Knowing who you are, what you need and why the marriage failed is all so important,” says Horowitz. If you cannot understand everything on your own, a therapist can help you.
Also, research what to expect from a partner. Kederian suggests creating what she calls “the criteria sandwich”. The top bun is your must – absolute requirements for a potential partner, such as a stable career or spirituality. The next level is what you want it to be. And the bottom level contains the deal breakers, which could be some of the things that didn’t work out in your marriage.
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Dating in the virtual world
If it’s been a few decades since you last dated, the process might feel a little strange to you. Horowitz switched from single dances to the brave new world of online dating that had just emerged after his divorce. A veteran of both approaches, he said it was “stricter” so far, “but you learned more quickly about a person you may or may not be interested in.”
“There is definitely a learning curve [to online dating]”Says Kederian. For one thing, people don’t always present themselves accurately on their dating profile. Some potential friends are downright scammers. And even those who are legitimate may be looking for contacts,” Cave found out.
To find a good match and deeper connection, Kederian suggests being as faithful as possible in your profile and photo. “It’s much better to be authentic and real in the first place than trying to create a picture of yourself that isn’t really accurate,” she says.
She also suggests keeping your profile short. If you reveal your whole life story at once, “don’t give anyone the opportunity to get to know you through conversation.”
When you meet someone who seems interesting to you, quickly switch from the virtual to the real world so you can explore a deeper connection. Kederian suggests switching from messaging to a date in a maximum of five messages.
Online dating is difficult, but it is possible to find love in a virtual forum. “I met my current wife online,” says Horowitz. “We’ve been married for almost 20 years.”
Other ways to meet
If online dating isn’t for you, take a more traditional approach. Work with a matchmaker, join groups that match your interests, ask friends to set you up, or connect with people on social media.
Cave found someone who piqued her interest in a Facebook group she frequented. “I just noticed that this attractive silver fox kept posting beautiful photos with clever captions,” she says. After months of watching his posts, a mutual friend arranged for them to meet at a Zoom cocktail class.
“We ran for 2 hours on our first date,” says Cave. “We took another walk the next day because we kept finding out how much we have in common.”
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What about your kids
Even if your children are older, you need to take them into account when bringing someone new into your life. Horowitz has three children from his first marriage. Cave has two children.
Kederian suggests having a conversation with your kids to let them know that you want to start dating but want to set clear boundaries. You want to make sure the person is a good match for you before introducing them to your children. “And you don’t want your kids to be able to be judges or deal breakers,” she says.
Give yourself time
There are many arbitrary rules for re-dating. They say you should wait 1 month for each year of your marriage. But really, the time to start dating again is when it feels right to you. “They might meet someone right away, or they might take some time to heal,” says Horowitz.
Kederian suggests that you consider dating a lifestyle habit, much like starting a new exercise program. “In the same way, you wouldn’t say, ‘I’m going to start exercising today and I’ll have six pack abs by next week’ … you don’t want to put that expectation on your dating process,” she says. “You want to see it as a process.”
If you venture back into the dating world you should be ready to make a few mistakes along the way. “Be careful, but be open at the same time,” suggests Horowitz. With patience, perseverance, and a clear sense of your own goals, you can find love again.
Cave has been thinking about what she wants for the past 11 years and she thinks she has finally found it. Although she is still gun shy from previous experiences, open and sometimes tough conversations have helped her and her new boyfriend grow closer together – so much so that they started talking about the future. “I don’t feel like saying that I love this man,” she says. “I think we get into what feels like our life together.”
WebMD function
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SWELL:
CDC: “Marriage and Divorce.”
Christie Kederian, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Los Angeles Dating Coach.
Couple and Family Psychology: “Reasons for Divorce and Memories of Premarital Interventions: Implications for Improving Relationship Training.”
Richard Horowitz, Relationship Trainer, Palm Harbor, FL.
Sarah Cave, Fundraising Advisor, Smyrna, GA.
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