Joe Aoleo moved to Key West, FL from Rhode Island after retiring from his job as a firefighter / paramedic. Aside from his search for warm weather, he was relieved to get away from his family – all of them.
“All of my siblings controlled, never wrong, never apologetic, lying people,” says Aoleo. “There was never any physical violence in my house. But it was [like] a thousand tiny cuts. “
What is toxic behavior?
According to Sharon Martin, a licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, CA. She is the author of the CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and the Better Boundaries Workbook, which will be published shortly.
Common characteristics of toxic people are:
- Don’t worry about your feelings, needs, or rights
- Act hard and critically
- I call you names
- Again and again violate your limits
- Refuses to compromise with you
- Act justified
- Always have to be right
- Feeling that the rules don’t apply to them
- Make unfair demands on you
- Take no responsibility for their actions
- Hold others responsible for their mistakes or shortcomings
- They rarely say that they are sorry for something
- Wild mood and behavior changes and outbursts of anger
- Lies and / or guilt trying to find their way
- Manipulate to control or take advantage of you and others to get what they want
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“Toxic behaviors exist on a continuum,” says Martin. Really toxic behaviors are part of a pattern of abuse or a lack of consideration for others. They are not isolated cases. “
Unfortunately, poisonous people rarely change their behavior or want to. “They may lack self-esteem or react with disapproval when faced with their poor treatment of others,” she says.
Aoleo says his family members were all vying for control. “I was a control freak back then, too,” he says. “But I knew it was me and I knew I had to change. You didn’t do it. “
“There was always guilt,” says Aoleo, even when it came to his daughter. “My daughter was and probably still is a master of being right about guilt and anger. She once told me to be nice to her because she was all I had to do when I was old. I told her I was going to put a bullet in my head before I ever let that happen. And I’m pretty sure the whole thing was about money I lent her and never raised. “
Establish clear boundaries
Identifying and setting boundaries can be difficult when you come from a family that doesn’t honor or respect them. However, you can choose which treatment to accept now. Martin suggests specifying your needs and feelings directly. You could ask your family member to change their behavior, such as: B. to say, “Please don’t curse me.”
“This usually doesn’t work for poisonous people because they’re not motivated to change their behavior,” she says. Instead, the border reminds you to protect yourself from its ways. For example, you can hang up the phone or block your sibling’s number if they continue to abuse you when they call.
Keep your distance
One way to stay emotionally aloof is to limit the amount of personal information you share, Martin says. Say your sister is mocking you and making sarcastic comments after you confide in her about a problem you have. This is your cue for sharing as little as possible with her in the future.
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Plus, you don’t have to answer any private questions from family members. It’s okay to say, “I’d rather not talk about it.” Then not. Also, avoid asking about their personal life. Trade information about important family businesses only.
Try to avoid arguments at all costs. “Toxic people will try to get you into an argument to distract you from the real problems,” says Martin. “They will turn you around many times – they blame you for their toxic behavior and never take responsibility for their behavior.”
Many people find that severely limiting or terminating contact with a toxic family member is the only way to protect themselves, Martin says. “You are not a bad person or a failure when this happens.”
Aoleo kept in touch with one of his sisters while he lived in Florida, but he also didn’t feel very close to her. When he decided to move to the Big Island of Hawaii, he also cut ties with her.
“I’m the only one in my family now who doesn’t live within 50 miles of any other family member,” he says.
Other useful tactics
Other steps in your game plan that will help you make firm decisions, remove guilt, and get on with your life might include:
- Don’t expect anyone to be perfect, including yourself.
- Stop trying to fight old battles. There is usually no way to solve them.
- Man up. For example, if your family expects you to show up for a vacation and you want to go out, say “no”. Don’t leave the door open with a “maybe”.
- Let go of your desires for family members’ lives. You can’t make them change their minds or their plans.
- Once you’ve made up your mind to change your own behavior, expect strong reactions from family members and even friends. Try to predict what responses you might get – such as crying, feeling guilty, yelling, or even threatening – and decide how to react.
What’s next?
Find solid support, says Martin. Find friends and new people to chat with, such as: B. a therapist, a 12-step group or another support group.
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“Dealing with family members with toxic behavior is stressful and emotionally stressful,” she says. “Make sure you take good care of yourself physically and emotionally.”
Your physical safety is key. “When dealing with someone who injures or threatens to harm you or others, you may need to call the police, avoid being alone with them, or make a plan to move quickly if necessary.”
For Aoleo, keeping in touch with family is comforting. “I’m not mad at her, I just don’t care,” he says. “Family doesn’t mean much to me. They are just human like everyone else, but you feel indebted to them for no real reason. I don’t feel that obligation anymore. “
He found space and tranquility in a relaxed community in the Hawaiian rainforest. “My job taught me how to catch fire and common sense taught me how to run away from my family,” he says. “Now I’m a happy, almost always wet guy who lives with a family of controlling, almost always wet mutt in my paradise on the side of a volcano in the middle of our largest ocean. Perfect.”
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