Friendship is good for your health. In fact, studies have found that stronger social relationships pay off in the form of less depression, better overall health, and a longer lifespan.
However, recent research suggests that many of us struggle to maintain these friendships. A 2018 survey by health insurer Cigna found that only about half of Americans (53%) have significant personal social interactions, such as a daily conversation with a friend. And spending more than a year “social distancing” during the COVID-19 pandemic has more than kept many of us at a distance from our friends.
So how can you maintain your existing friendships and build strong new ones? As the saying goes, “To have a friend, you have to be a friend.” Here’s what the experts say about how to be a good friend.
Show yourself and take risks
“I’ve seen a lot of social media posts about ‘frontier culture’ lately and felt comfortable telling people you don’t have the energy for them,” says psychologist and friendship expert Marisa Franco, PhD. “It’s okay to set boundaries, but when you’re in close friendship with someone, you need to do your best to show up for them, especially when it’s urgent and a time of crisis. This is a portal to deep intimacy. “
Psychologists call this “risk regulation” – how people balance the goal of seeking closeness in relationships, which makes us vulnerable, with protecting ourselves and minimizing the likelihood of pain and rejection. “If you always withdraw and put your own needs first and tell your friend that you are tired and don’t have time to listen, it can sabotage your friendships,” says Franco. “When you show up for them and give them the benefit of the doubt, you make yourself vulnerable, but you are also helping the relationship. Good friends are more likely to be in relationship mode than self-protection mode, and that invites your friend to do the same. “
Set realistic expectations
But being there for your friend and expecting them to be there for you doesn’t always have to mean that the two of you will drop everything as soon as the other calls. “Sometimes in friendships we have unrealistic expectations of the other person,” says psychologist Markesha Miller, PhD, clinical director of Holistic Psychological Associates and associate professor at the University of South Carolina. “People can make friends and expect the other person to fulfill certain roles or fill gaps that they experience in their lives. If the person is unable to do so, it can create a rift in the relationship. “
continuation
So if you want to deepen your friendships, think about what friendship actually means to you: what you bring into the relationship and what you expect in return. “If you’re evaluating your friendships and you keep finding that the same thing is always missing, consider whether the problem is a problem with a particular friendship or whether your expectations aren’t realistic,” she says.
Of course, there will be times when your friend needs more of you and times when you need more of him. Maybe you just lost your job or you are in the process of getting a divorce. “Friendships are not always equally balanced at all times,” says psychologist and friends expert Irene S. Levine, PhD. “But overall, every friend feels like they are pulling their weight. A good friendship is two-way: it has to be satisfying for both people. “
Take the time to achieve
Friendships don’t usually end in a big explosion, says Franco. It’s far more likely that they’re just getting out of hand. “If you want to keep your friendships long-term, you have to be the one who tries and intends to make this a priority.”
When something is important to us, we allow time for it instead of just expecting it to happen. We make appointments for work meetings, parent-teacher conferences and practice classes in our calendar. If you want to keep your friendships healthy, make time for them too. If you find that you are often too busy or distracted to immediately respond to your friends’ texts or calls, try setting up a recurring appointment on your calendar for a few minutes every day or two to communicate with you catch up pals.
It’s also a great way to make new friends, says Franco. “What is really important to friendship is continuous interaction over time. Often times we meet someone new and say, “I’d love to hang out sometime,” and it stops there. The person having this encounter in a friendship is the one who takes the time to inquire and ask the other person to meet up for coffee or to their book club meeting. “
Working through the conflict
People who are good at making friends are also good at managing conflicts, says Franco. “We feel like we have to deal with conflicts in romantic relationships, but sometimes we ignore them in friendships and let small resentments arise. Bringing up problems you have with a friend can provide healing opportunities and show that you are truly invested in the friendship. “
“When it feels like a friendship you cherish is no longer connected, do whatever you can to mend it. Be the first to expand the olive branch. Talk to your friend about it, ”Levine agrees.
How you do that? Franco suggests leading with the positive. “Say something like, ‘I value you so much. I’ve been thinking about one thing that I think would make our friendship even better, ”she says. “Don’t make it an attack on the person’s character. Once someone gets on the defensive, it is difficult to communicate openly and people can beat each other. “
Understand when it’s over
What if you’ve done all of this and the friendship still feels like it’s not working? “When a friendship is persistent and emotionally unsatisfactory, it can indicate that the friendship is not good,” says Levine. “Friendships are voluntary relationships that should enrich our lives, not impair them.”
A simple question can help you decide if it’s time to move on: does this relationship add more to your life than it takes away? If the answer to this question is no, it may not be worth investing in that particular friendship. “If you notice that more is coming out of you than is being poured into you, that’s a red flag,” says Miller. If the relationship harms or hurts you in any way, it may be a friendship that you need to break away from. “
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