The second time he tried alcohol at age 16, Chris Marshall wrecked his mother’s car, got a DUI and ended up in jail. That didn’t frighten him soberly. Marshall loved the way alcohol lubricated his social relationships and increased his sense of belonging. When he got to the University of Texas at San Antonio, he joined a fraternity and only increased his alcohol consumption.
But gradually, Marshall’s alcohol abuse became a concern even among his brotherly brothers.
“Even in this intoxicated environment, it was clear that I was still drinking harder and for different reasons than my friends,” says Marshall, who grew up in Houston.
When he was 23 years old, Marshall realized he couldn’t stop or even cut back on his own. Fortunately, he was still covered by his mother’s health insurance and was able to afford alcohol rehabilitation. An attentive psychiatrist helped Marshall realize that his heavy drinking camouflaged deeper problems: anxiety and depression.
“This was the first time anyone said,” Hey, you’re self-medicated “with alcohol, says Marshall.” All dots connected. “
Marshall’s doctor prescribed several drugs for anxiety, depression, and insomnia. Over the next two years, Marshall not only sobered up, but was also able to cut down on his prescription medication.
In retrospect, Marshall now sees that he relied on drinking as a crutch to feel closer to other people and to project a certain identity for himself. “Alcohol is really a social currency,” he says.
James Murphy, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Memphis, Tennessee who studies addictive behaviors, says finding help, like Marshall did, is key to curbing alcohol abuse.
“Recovery is most likely to be successful when you have plenty of support from professional counselors, friends, support groups, and family,” Murphy says.
At the same time, new habits like therapy, the right medication, and new activities could spark “passion, curiosity, and joy” and help keep sobriety going.
To break the myth that “being sober is boring”
New knowledge can sometimes help to find a way away from alcohol.
Tawny Lara describes her former self as a “party girl bartender” who, like Marshall, started drinking when she was a teenager. Drugs were part of their scene too. She is now a writer and speaker and lives in New York City. Lara resigned herself to sobriety many times before she finally got tired of the “mental gymnastics” to justify it.
“Every night was essentially the same: binge drinking, emotional breakdowns, fast food at 2am, hangovers in the morning, ”she says. “Now my life is full of confidence and opportunity. I have more time and money to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. “
Lara’s new sober lifestyle also paved the way to fully embrace her essence: her bisexuality. She lectures on sober sex and has soon published a book.
At first, says Lara, she found sobriety “super cumbersome. I thought there was a sign flashing above my head that said, ‘This girl doesn’t drink.’ “
The truth is that “most people don’t care or pay attention to what other people are drinking”.
Lara also quickly realized that people who asked curious questions about why she wasn’t drinking “tend to have their own problems with alcohol”.
“I used to think that sobriety was boring, but now I see that being a party girl was boring,” says Lara
Imagine sobriety
A key to a successful sober life is the representation of real social scenarios.
“Go to the events with one goal in mind,” says Murphy of the University of Memphis. “If your goal is moderate drinking, you have a very specific plan for the amount and type of alcohol you consume and how you place your drinks. If your goal is abstinence, remind yourself why.You make this choice. “
Rehearse yourself refusing drinks, Murphy says. Which non-alcoholic drinks do you order? What is your plan when you are hit by a strong desire? It can also be helpful to have some “safe” people who will respect your posture.
Also, know that you can step back or even leave the party at any time, Murphy says. “You are under no obligation to tell people why you are not drinking.”
Lara agrees. “Never compromise your sanity to go to an event,” she says. “If you’re really worried about a first date or a party that has alcohol, it’s okay to step back or leave early. Everyone who cares about you will understand. Sobriety is about taking care of yourself, not about pleasing people. “
She now loves being sober at large events like concerts and weddings. “I actually remember conversations and moments that took place.”
Help others heal
Marshall grew up in a religious family that did not consume alcohol. In black culture, drugs and mental illness are too often viewed as weaknesses. Overcoming this stigma added to the challenge of Marshall’s recovery.
“The hardest part is, in the beginning, you may not realize that although your sober life may not immediately feel good – you may feel more fear and pain and less joy – you have chosen a path that will gradually maximize your wellbeing – be over time. “
After sobering, Marshall became a licensed substance abuse counselor for 8 years. He worked in a detox facility for 18 months.
“I became a ‘wounded healer’ and became a helper,” he says. Then Marshall realized that the same type of client kept popping up with no place to go and no one to hang out with without alcohol.
In 2017, Marshall Sans Bar, a hangout in Austin, TX, opened with only soft drinks on the menu.
“It’s a nice thing when people can choose not to partake in alcohol, celebrate life, and make conscious choices,” he says.
Some companies book happy hour at the Sans Bar so people can enjoy the social absence, but “nobody says anything stupid or stupid”. Sans Bar has even toured pop-up bars from Alaska to New York City.
Useful strategies for people starting out on a sober path include breathing techniques and “urge surfing,” a meditation technique for imagining temptation as waves to ride. Prescription medications can help curb cravings or diminish the enjoyment of alcohol.
Marshall believes that complete sobriety is a journey as well as a destination. His personal mantra is, “As long as you try to get better gradually, you cannot fail.”
swell
SWELL:
Chris Marshall, Austin, TX.
James Murphy, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Memphis, Tennessee.
Tawny Lara, New York City.
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