The people in your life can use up your energy for many reasons. They could be narcissists in need of constant attention and praise. Maybe they’re just a little bit too dramatic, negative, or complain a lot. On the flip side, they could get into toxic positivity and make absolutely anything happy in ways that you find wrong and stressful. Or maybe they are perfectly good people, but just a bad game for you.
Whatever the scenario, when you are dealing with an emotional vampire there are things you can do to manage the situation and protect your energies.
“If you can avoid this person, that’s my first recommendation,” says Natalie Dattilo, PhD, psychologist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital. “Unless [an option], get good at setting and sticking to boundaries and boundaries. “
“It’s important to limit contact,” says Susan Albers, PhD, a psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic. “You don’t have to answer the phone. You don’t have to reply to an email. Always have an escape plan. When you answer the phone, you can say, “Oh, the laundry is in. I can only talk for 5 minutes.” Setting limits is the key. “
Practice self-awareness
Another important step in dealing with an emotional vampire in your life is realizing what the whole problem is for you.
“It’s easier to point your finger at the other person and say, ‘That’s how they are,” says Dattilo. “But there is nothing you can do to change them. It’s always a good idea to start with confidence. Know how you feel after the interaction. “
Ask yourself: what exactly is happening to this person that makes me feel drained?
“It is important to differentiate between what is a crisis and what is drama,” says Albers. “Is what this person brings really causing a crisis or is it just dramatic?” Reducing your own feelings and reactions can save you energy when you have to spend time with them.
“It can feel like you have a potato,” says Albers. “They throw their feelings at you and want you to catch them. You can turn that around again. Tell them they can handle it. It is not up to you to take responsibility. “
Self Care and Compassion
Good self-care can help. “When we are in a better place, we can communicate better and tolerate others,” says Dattilo. “We get drained because life is stressful. But when we take care of our own emotional needs, it protects us from other people and their emotional needs. “
She also suggests looking for ways to regain control. Brushing up on the situation in your own mind can help. “Use it as an opportunity to practice compassion, be present, tolerate discomfort, be mindful, and listen. You can get involved differently in ways that feel more like a choice than not. You have a say. You can control your experience with that person. This is a great way to protect your energy. “
It also helps to be prepared for these interactions and to ask for help. For example, Albers says if the person consuming your energy is a family member, ask your spouse or someone in the family to help you or not to leave you alone with that other person.
Sometimes a little creativity also helps. If you don’t like the word “no,” there are other ways to say it. Try “I can’t now,” “Let’s do this tomorrow,” or “I’ll get in touch with you.”
Energy vampires at work
Another place you might encounter emotional vampires is at work. In this case, it can be particularly difficult to evade the person or even set boundaries. This is especially true if the emotional vampire is your supervisor or boss.
Joel Carnevale, PhD, assistant professor of management at Syracuse University, has studied the impact of narcissistic leaders in the workplace. His studies show that such attention-grabbing executives make their employees feel undervalued.
When employees feel unappreciated, their productivity goes down, Carnevale says. People become less willing to express themselves. They rate their work energy as lower.
Just avoiding your manager is probably not an option, but there are still a few things that can help. First, try to understand why the person is doing this. For example, if a manager is threatened with your success, caress their ego by asking for help. It can also be helpful for a narcissistic leader to see at work that being more inclusive, cooperative, or friendly is beneficial to them. At the end of the day, it all comes back to you.
“Focus on what you can control,” says Carnevale. “You can’t control their behavior, but technically that’s not the reason for exhaustion. It is your reaction to these situations. I am a fan of mindfulness and meditation. It can be a useful tool to better identify your own reactions to these situations and to learn how not to get carried away by them. “
When to seek help
If you’re so deep in the situation that you can’t get into a place of self-awareness or rest, a psychiatrist can talk to you about it and help you clear things up.
“A consultant can help you find clear and friendly ways [to address the problem]”Says Albers.” They can also assure you that it’s okay to take care of yourself. Energy vampires can make you guilty. “
According to Dattilo, a counselor can be especially helpful if the energy vampire in your life is someone you care about, such as a parent or partner. In this case, the counselor could help with communication, especially if the relationship gets in the way of everyday life. And if your relationship turns into emotional abuse, seek help.
“It’s not something you want to learn to tolerate better,” says Dattilo.
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