By Diedre Anthony, as told to Rachel Reiff Ellis
My husband and I always wanted to have three children. I was the oldest of four children and I loved having a big family. My husband was the only child of his parents but had half-siblings who were 18 and 20 years old when he was born. Their age difference played a big part in his desire to have three children of his own who would have each other as playmates.
We also knew we wanted to reconsider our three-child plan after each child came along. My mom stayed home to take care of me and my brothers, but I was going to be a working mom so I had to make sure I could manage that work-life balance.
Building our family of five
When our oldest daughter, Melody, was born, we were defeated. She was an easy baby which convinced us to do it all over again pretty quickly. I became pregnant with Daphne when Melody was 14 months old. But having two kids was more of a struggle than I expected. Daphne had colic and I had a c-section scar infection. It wasn’t the glamorous, beautiful time I imagined.
After about 6 months we finally settled in a small sweet spot. I found my groove as a mother of two, partly because the colic subsided and everyone was sleeping better.
Originally, we wanted all of our children to be two years apart so that we could go through the baby phase at once, have all the equipment, cope with the sleepless nights, and then move on to the next phase. But of course you can’t always plan these things. At first I was devastated when that distance didn’t work. But now I think it was a blessing to have our baby Julian 4 years after Daphne. I never needed a baby monitor because every time Julian made a single grunt, Daphne flew in and said, “Mom, the baby is awake!” The greater age difference allowed her to really take on her role as a big sister.
And I had built-in help! The girls were too young to babysit, but they were great helpers. You learned responsibility. Of course there were times when we addressed her fears that I loved the baby the most, but it gave me the opportunity to say, “Hey Squirt, I love you, your sister and your brother, all three. The baby needs other things right now, just like you did when you were a baby. “
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The multi-kid learning curve
It may seem surprising, but for me the most difficult transition to parenting wasn’t a third one. It went from one child to two. Your first is all about that one little person. Everything is a big milestone. So when a second comes, you feel at odds: can I divide my time and love between two children? How do I give my second child the same experience as the first? There are many new worries.
Once your third arrives, you know you have more than enough love to go around. They also feel more experienced as parents and don’t guess each other so much. Your previous experiences have increased your parental resilience. You have survived potty training once, for example you will survive it again.
As for sitting, that’s out the window. Life is definitely an act of juggling when the parents are outnumbered, whether you are a single parent or have a partner. That’s one of the reasons I practiced carrying babies with my son – I ran out of hands! Finding a babysitter is also getting harder – and more expensive. It is one thing to ask Grandma to watch a child; Three is a whole different story. You need more space in your house and in your car. The logistics of a vacation as a family of five are not always easy to work out.
In the end, however, for me the advantages of three children far outweigh the disadvantages. My heart overflows all the time. I love seeing my children interact with each other. It is a pleasure to see them grow and change. And when you have three, you can relive these milestones over and over again.
Daily life with three
My husband is a farmer and I am a school counselor. We didn’t live on the farm until a year ago, so he was gone for hours every day. I am usually a single parent during most of the farming season, which runs from April to late November.
Since we moved to the farm things have been easier. I have to be at work just after 7, so I get up between 5 and 5:30 every morning to do a few things before waking the kids. I try to do at least one load of laundry every day. We spend a lot of time outside with three kids and a farmer’s husband so it seems like the laundry is always left to my eyeballs!
Now that the girls are 7 and 9 years old, they can help with the housework so it’s not just me who does everything. One thing I’ve found is that with two working parents, the weekends in a rush can be filled with catch-up tasks rather than fun and lead to frustration very quickly. So I set a shutdown time for homework. We’ve also set family time, such as Friday night movie nights, which my kids really look forward to.
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Parent partner
My husband and I make a good parenting team. We’re both pretty easy-going, laid-back people who go with the flow. When I’m stressed, he’s usually calm and vice versa. We work well together.
To be on the same page about how your parents make things a lot easier because it can be very stressful. There’s always something going on. Someone is always yelling, either for a good or a bad reason. And if only one partner carries most of the burden, it can easily lead to the downfall of a relationship.
My husband and I signed an “intimacy contract” early on in our parenting lives. We reserve two specific nights a week as our time together. Plus, he takes over on Saturday mornings and gives me time to write or browse a deal or do whatever I want. It sounded really silly to make it a contract at first, but find out that deliberate time was a lifesaver, both for our marriage and our sanity.
How we raise our children
We are a multicultural family. My husband was born and lived in the south all his life. I was raised in Sumter, SC by Jamaican parents. Our kids love the chicken curry, which was the comfort food of my youth, and some good southern macaroni and cornbreads too.
I grew up on a military base where most parents were quick to discipline and say, “What’s the problem? Fix it, ”and that’s it. But my consulting background taught me a different approach. I try to teach my children the words to explain their problems and to have problem-solving language. Instead of feeling frustrated with them, I can say, “OK, dig in your toolbox. What did you learn to fix this problem? “
I always want my children to feel comfortable talking to me, even when they are wrong. I want you to know that I hear and know you. For example, my oldest is very motivated. That’s why I remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s harder to recover if you haven’t been honest. My middle daughter is usually quite open and see-through, but she is stubborn as the day is long. So when I want her to do something, I praise her first. I say, “I think this food would taste so much better if you helped me in the kitchen.” And her eyes shine.
Knowing how your children learn and how they want to give and receive love is very important. It not only helps your parents but also you to have a better relationship, which is ultimately the ultimate goal.
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SOURCE:
Diedre Anthony, Parent, Statesboro, GA.
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