It can seem gruesome that once you have ended your marriage, you have to quickly switch to “We Are A Team” mode to find out what is best for your children. But it can be done with success.
Learning to compromise and set new boundaries is key, says family therapist Constance Ahrons, PhD. She is Professor Emeritus of Sociology at the University of Southern California at Los Angeles and the author of The Good Divorce.
Put your anger aside
“Co-parents need to put their anger aside and focus on the child’s needs,” says Ahrons. “A good rule of thumb is that the more anger there is between the co-parents, the more they need to have fixed boundaries. The more divorced parents can get along, the more flexible they can be. ”
For Nancy Cramer, adjusting the way she worked with her ex made all the difference. “I’ve learned to give my ex-husband space to think instead of asking for an immediate decision about a call,” said Cramer of Roswell, GA. “There was no point in getting angry because then he would make a decision just to piss me off. It was about keeping the interests of the boys in the foreground. “
Swap sensitive motives for calm conversations
Your boundaries need to include what to talk about and what topics are best left alone, says Ahrons. “Co-parents need to learn what their ‘hot button’ problems are and stay away from them. They need to keep their conversations on track and focus on parenting, not issues outside of marriage. It’s very difficult sometimes. “
Clifford Kipp, who lives in Marietta, GA and shares custody of his sons with his ex, agrees. “We really had to focus on being consensual in order to maintain the common sense of everyone involved,” he says. “Of course, that only works if both are cooperative. We probably tried yelling at each other the first few times we had a conflict, but we soon realized that calm, productive conversation really is the only way to solve a problem. “
Robin Wilson, of Myrtle Beach, SC, says learning to admit to being wrong is beneficial. “When there is an argument, I see what my part was,” says the mother of a 16-year-old. “It shows no weakness. It shows my son how two people with a difficult past can adapt and have a new, healthier relationship. “
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Find a schedule that works for everyone
It is important to respect the other parent’s time with the children. “Remember, your child has the right to both parents,” says Ahrons.
When Kipp and his ex got divorced, they both wanted the kids to work full-time. Instead of starting a custody battle, they devised a week and week schedule that had worked for a relative.
“On Monday morning the children went to school and went to the other parents’ homes and stayed all week until the next Monday morning,” says Kipp. “We soon decided that after the weekend we would be a little too exhausted to spend an exciting weekend with them. That’s why we changed the transfer day to Friday. This way the parent is fresh on Friday afternoon. “
Alton Aimar, of Savannah, GA, and his ex separated when their son was 7 months old. They kept to the court order for the first few years. But they were able to relax some rules as the tension thawed. For example, when her son started middle school, he switched to his father Thursday night, the day Aimar coached his son’s soccer team.
It is important for Cramer to safeguard the interests of her sons first. As she embraced her Christian faith, the Christmas vacation meant more to her, but she chose not to ask for a new arrangement. “They celebrated every year with their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents,” she says on her ex’s side. “It would have been completely selfish of me to withhold that from them.”
Team up for important discussions
Aimar and his ex both remarried, but over time kept their family roles paramount. Whenever something came up, all four would sit down with his son to discuss what had happened and to agree on a course of action. “Our son knew there was no such thing as“ Well, Mom said X ”or“ Dad said X ”. He knew we all agreed.” Even though his son is now 23, Aimar and his ex are still talking about what’s wrong with him and keep a unified front.
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Follow the rules
All households have their own rules. What works in one house may not work in another. The COVID-19 pandemic makes this setup more complex, says Ahrons.
What one parent thinks is safe, the other parent cannot, she emphasizes, for example if the child can visit a friend’s house. “Realize that there will be differences and that ground rules need to be established,” she says. “Whenever they are not, children suffer.”
As with any disagreement, Ahrons urges parents to find a professional to help them come together and level out prickly situations.
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SWELL:
Constance Ahrons, PhD, Professor Emeritus of Sociology, University of Southern California; Author, The Good Divorce and We’re Still Family.
Nancy Cramer, Parent, Roswell, GA.
Clifford Kipp, Parent, Marietta, GA.
Robin Wilson, Parent, Myrtle Beach, SC.
Alton Aimar, Parent, Savannah, GA.
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